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Viagra has become popular with gay men here and in other cities, reflecting a trend that has begun to worry health care experts, who fear that it may foster the spread of H.

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So why are some men indulging in drug-fuelled parties of weekend-long, often unsafe, sex with HIV rates on the rise? The writer Matt Cain believes the roots of the dark 'chemsex' scene touch us all. It's Friday night and a group of gay men is gathering in London for a party in one of their homes. They're of different ages and backgrounds but all are in the professions, many of them affluent and enviably successful.

The party has been arranged via Grindr and other sexual-networking apps — and it will last for the whole weekend. These drugs induce euphoria and reduce inhibitions to such an extent that the user might have little idea who they're having sex with, let alone if that sex is safe. But if we in the gay community think this is a problem that can be obscured from the world at large, pretending that it affects only a rogue subset among us, we are wrong; chemsex is merely the most extreme indication of a hidden burden many of us still carry, despite the rapid development of gay rights over the past decade and a half.

Because little research has been conducted into chemsex, there's a lack of reliable statistics about the number of men involved. However, the staff at 56 Dean Street, London's pioneering sexual-health clinic, estimate that 3, gay men who use recreational drugs in sexual contexts come through their doors each month. It's also difficult to obtain reliable evidence for the link between chemsex and rising rates of HIV, but a study commissioned by three south London boroughs, published in , found that three out of four gay men who had attended chemsex parties had engaged in unprotected sex, with a potentially high risk of passing on the virus.

Those injecting drugs increase the risk if sharing needles. Perhaps more worryingly, men who misjudge their dose of G or mix it with alcohol run the risk of going into a coma or even dying. Although most deaths related to G are recorded as heart failure or some other form of bodily malfunction, over the past five years a handful of deaths have been attributed to G, such as those of three men in London's Pleasuredrome sauna in I've never been attracted to chemsex, but a couple of my friends are.

They're in their late twenties and early thirties and both have successful media careers. A while ago I noticed that after attending parties they were often too exhausted to go to work on Monday and spent most of the following week plagued by depression, anxiety and paranoia. When I expressed my concerns, they insisted they were just having fun and I was accused of morally judging them. The following weekend I decided to witness chemsex culture for myself.

My friends took me to a party hosted by a professional fiftysomething at his flat in north London and attended by around 20 guests. They all sat around the living room in their underwear, chatting and listening to music, breaking away to take drugs in the kitchen when alarms on their phones reminded them to top up their dose of G — and occasionally retiring to the bedrooms to have sex.

Except that what I saw wasn't remotely sexy; as the men became more and more high, some of them began thrashing around, twitching and gurning, unable to maintain an erection without taking Viagra, and appeared to be possessed and desperate.

By the time I left, at 4am, I felt very sad but also slightly hopeless. Scenes such as this are documented in the film Chemsex, which premiered at the London Film Festival this weekend it will get a wider release in December. Exploring the UK chemsex scene, with unrestricted access to several parties, it offers interviews with current and former participants. While upsetting to watch, the film does manage to explain the appeal of chemsex. The film's portrayal of the chemsex phenomenon will no doubt shock straight viewers who've been seduced by the vision of a newly emancipated community of proud and happy gay men that many of us have been so willing to project.

Yet while the behaviour the film documents may seem repulsive to many, I found myself moved to tears by the men interviewed and the experiences that had driven them to chemsex. Perhaps that's because I have my own history of self-destruction.

Throughout my twenties I battled a serious problem with binge-drinking and drink-fuelled sex, which is arguably the original form of chemsex and one familiar to a much wider section of the British population.

I only conquered my problem after giving up alcohol and seeing a therapist for five years. What I learnt during that time was that my experience of homophobic bullying as an effeminate and obviously gay child had left part of me believing I was just as disgusting as everyone had said — and it was this self-loathing which was motivating my urge to self-destruct. Of course, there can be all kinds of reasons why people, both gay and straight, try to destroy themselves — and this is something I like to explore in my fiction.

My latest novel is about several predominantly straight characters who for different reasons have all grown up believing they're not good enough and have gone on to try to punish themselves with either drink, drugs, dangerous sex or abusive relationships. But I'm particularly interested in the shared experiences that can drive gay men to self-destruct through practices such as chemsex.

However happy we like to think we are as adults and however much progress has been made in the field of equal rights, the reality is that most gay men over a certain age have grown up experiencing homophobia. Even those who haven't will have seen it happening to others and subliminally absorbed the message that being gay is wrong. I believe that, like my own problem with binge-drinking, the chemsex phenomenon is a direct result of the lingering shame many of us still feel about our sexuality — and many of the men practising chemsex are looking for a sexual disinhibitor or a means to obliterate their traumatic pasts.

Affordable drugs and the use of phone apps for sexual networking merely make it easier for them to respond to these urges. And although younger gay men in general might carry around less shame attached to their sexuality, they may have had other personal experiences that motivate them to self-destruct — or may simply be struggling to understand their masculinity or sexual identity.

Of course, not everyone who tries chemsex once becomes a regular on the scene — I know several people who have attended one or two parties and decided it's not for them. Some might also argue there are certain drug cultures that involve harmless recreational use.

By contrast, perhaps what is most worrying about chemsex culture is that it can have a much bigger impact on all areas of the user's life. I chatted about this to another friend, a marketing executive in his late thirties, who stopped practising chemsex six months ago.

But by Friday you're starting to feel OK again and have forgotten how bad you felt at the beginning of the week. So then the cycle starts again. And before you know it you're in hell. After a few years my friend finally found the courage to quit chemsex when he realised that while drugs may have been numbing the pain of his past, they were cutting him off from much that he loved about his life.

He's since had to relearn how to have sex without drugs and describes the experience of quitting as the hardest thing he's ever done, not least because he knows how easy it would be to re-access the scene. But he has no doubt that he's done the right thing. It's not just as individuals but as a community that we're starting to confront the issue of chemsex.

And next year Matthew Todd, the editor of Attitude magazine, will publish a book that examines the damage homophobia has done to gay men, with a significant focus on the issues around chemsex.

But if we are becoming more open about all aspects of the gay experience, I hope people from outside our community won't react against us.

And if I'd been born 15 years later and gone through my self-destructive period when chemsex parties were popular, I can't help wondering whether I'd still be alive now.

It's a difficult question to ask. But I think anyone who has ever battled an urge to self-destruct should ask themselves a similar question. For support: facebook. You can find our Community Guidelines in full here. Want to discuss real-world problems, be involved in the most engaging discussions and hear from the journalists? Start your Independent Premium subscription today. Independent Premium Comments can be posted by members of our membership scheme, Independent Premium. It allows our most engaged readers to debate the big issues, share their own experiences, discuss real-world solutions, and more.

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A year-old lawyer and executive recruiter in Manhattan, Mr. London had been on a few dates with a lawyer who told him she couldn't judge a man without first having sex with him. The two made plans to meet after work, and Mr.

London said he felt pretty certain about what was going to happen. He also felt not a little anxious. I'm thinking to myself, I haven't had this sort of performance anxiety since I was Thanks to a doctor friend, Mr.

London happened to have a tablet of Viagra on hand, and he darted into the bathroom and gulped the blue pill. It worked as billed, and later that evening, Mr. London said, he overheard his date giving his performance a rave in a phone call to a friend. London said. London is not one of the 15 million to 30 million American men who, by estimates of the National Institutes of Health, suffer from impotence, or what drug makers call erectile dysfunction -- the repeated inability to maintain an erection suitable for intercourse.

Nor is he simply a thrill-seeking recreational user, curious about impotence drugs' supposedly wondrous physical effects. Rather, he is one of an increasing number of sexually healthy men, many in their 20's, 30's and 40's, who doctors and sex therapists say are using impotence drugs -- Viagra, Levitra and the new Cialis, a k a ''the weekender'' because it stays in the bloodstream for 36 hours -- as psychological palliatives against the mighty expectations of modern romance.

Some of these men use the drugs when they are not feeling percent virile, others to stave off anxieties that occur with a first-time partner, and still others to fend off what might be called the Samantha complex, a fear of wilting in the face of a new wave of sexually empowered women. Fleming said it was not uncommon for her younger male patients to admit using impotence drugs as psychological safety nets. The issues are much the same for gay men as well.

It relieves any concern about performance. About 10 percent of the 16 million prescriptions written for Viagra in the United States since it was introduced in have been for men under 39, according to Pfizer, its manufacturer. Some prescriptions were for patients with severe impotence problems traceable to childhood-onset diabetes, pelvic or spinal trauma, or the use of antidepressants.

But many men under 40 who receive prescriptions have no serious medical conditions at all, according to Dr. Eighty percent of impotence drug prescriptions are written by general practitioners, he said, and since the drugs are considered relatively safe, many doctors ask few questions.

Fine -- what else is bothering you? And many younger users are not included in statistics because they avoid doctors' offices altogether, getting impotence drugs anonymously through online pharmacies or from local dealers who peddle the pills on classified-listings Web sites.

In some cases, they even deliver. Contrary to some men's expectations, impotence drugs do not enhance libido; they work by increasing blood flow to the penis. Users have to become sexually excited to initiate the response, and after orgasm, typically lose their erections as they would without the drugs. Sex therapists say a number of things could be contributing to the use of the drugs by otherwise healthy young men. Exposure to pornography, some speculated, has desensitized some men to less extreme sexual stimuli.

For men in cities like New York, experts said, the acceleration of dating rhythms -- fueled by the ease of social introductions through work, friends and the frenetic marketplace of online dating -- can contribute to the jitters. Studies show that 75 percent of impotence cases in men under 35 are ''psychogenic,'' or caused by psychological factors.

In men over 50, the figure is 15 percent. Fleming said such impotence is common with new sexual partners, when men are acutely sensitive to the possibility that they are being judged.

What is she interested in? A year-old consultant from Brooklyn said those very questions prompted him to try Viagra over a year ago. He now keeps a supply, and just this week received his first batch of Cialis from a online pharmacy he found through a Google search.

Though the drug, made by Lilly Icos, was approved for sale by the Food and Drug Administration in late November, it will not be widely available in the United States for another month. The consultant likened taking the drugs in New York to having snow tires on your car in a blizzard-prone region. It's a very tumultuous sexual arena, and it's exhausting. The consultant, who asked not to be named because he was uncomfortable discussing his sex life publicly, said Viagra also helped during a brief fling with a woman who enjoyed sex in public places.

It's a long a way from Bob Dole, the former Senator and presidential candidate who in began appearing in Viagra ads sponsored by Pfizer. The company now projects a younger image; it advertises at Nascar races, and last year it hired Rafael Palmeiro, 39, the former Texas Rangers infielder, as a spokesman. Palmeiro has said that he has tried Viagra, but didn't need it.

Levitra, made by Bayer and GlaxoSmithKline, has been running ads during National Football League games showing a man trying to throw a football through a tire. Levitra pitches itself as a drug that improves not just erectile function but ''erection quality,'' which some doctors say suggests more a lifestyle concern than a medical one.

The drug's slogan, ''When you're in the zone, it's all good,'' invokes a bit of slang -- ''It's all good'' -- more likely to be heard at a Phish concert than at an AARP convention. Even so, the companies behind the drugs deny that they pitch to younger men or promote their pills as lifestyle enhancers, rather than for serious medical conditions.

No, we haven't. But some sex therapists say the drugs can be valuable tools in helping young men overcome psychologically based impotence. Studies show that the drugs are 80 percent successful in such cases. Fleming said some men may use the drugs to mask deeper psychological or relationship issues that might be better dealt with in therapy.

Some of her patients who use impotence drugs without their partners' knowledge also live in constant fear of being found out, she said. As it is, many young users engage in their own personal trials with little medical guidance, testing dosages and brands in the impotence-drug equivalent of the Pepsi Challenge. London, who said he preferred Viagra to Levitra, also said he had learned that side effects common to all three drugs -- among them headaches, bloodshot eyes and flushed cheeks -- can vary with the size of a dose.

London said that when partners asked him why his cheeks turned red, ''you have to say, 'It's a little hot in here. Among gay men, suspicions can be particularly acute, since both partners might have taken the drugs and become familiar with their effects, which can include particularly firm erections. But even those who successfully keep their use of impotence drugs secret from their partners have found that the medications go only so far in making relationships work.

A year-old Manhattan writer said he took a model he was dating to a Catskills hotel, along with a bottle of Viagra. They spent a sex-crazed week there, he said, but days after the trip, the relationship failed.

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